Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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