After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
