I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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