Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
