Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
