So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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