there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
