Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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