I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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