so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
