I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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