***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
honey bunches of taint.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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