WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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