when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
