I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
