Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My life is pants optional.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize