be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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