my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
