The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
