why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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