Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
sarcasm needs its own font
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
