I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
