I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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