I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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