what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
