He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
