check it out our google latitudes are spooning
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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