I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
