you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
