Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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