does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I will be naked everywhere
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
