Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
