watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
