party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
