Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
