Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
