I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
