someone threw a dead crab at me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
