I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
