Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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