Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
