I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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