hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
