you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
