My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
