Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
