we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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