i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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