Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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