i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
