im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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